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Kay Rajwansh

flanœr

Gone

There he was creeping out from the reach of my hand.

I do not know when it all started, I never got a little hint.

He was changing, but like a chameleon he kept me in delusion.

I never knew my love was gone,

I never knew he was charmed not by me.

I wonder if love is permanent.

I wonder why people deceive.

I wonder why they hop from one to another.

I wonder why I could never do the same.

I wonder if I have a strong moral guard.

I wonder if morality is need of the hour.

So many things I wonder so many thoughts I bear.

We all will end up living under the same sky.

I know!!

But holding different hands.

Kissing different lips.

Fucking different bodies.

But loving someone we never knew.

Feelings are fragile.

Does love really die?

Do feelings change?

Can we change the object of our desire from one to another?

Can we barter the countless days and nights of one love with the happiness and charm of the other?

We change each day, each hour, minute and second.

But sometimes we change the time.

Memories will fade, love will hide into the deepest corner of the heart.

Because it knows the world has fallen apart and center cannot hold it anymore.

♥️ Journey ♥️

Can you see darkness in light?
You wake up at dawn
But eyes covered with the black night.
Is it dark or the absence of light?
I was walking on a road,
It was called the road to heaven.
But aren’t heaven and hell constructs of mind?
So what was I walking on?
Was I walking on road or was I walking in mind?
Mind and road; road and mind…
Roadmaps, Mindmaps…
I lost all!!!
Now I am walking through space,
There ain’t any destination it will lead me to…
There are no maps for space.
I’m floating; waiting for a meteor…

❤ Doubt ❤

I could be the best!
Could I be?
Doubtful, we all are…
Some distrust their capabilities and some their disabilities…

Doubt is common…
It prevails!

The girl was thrashed;
By every tom, dick and harry,
sitting on those broken benches in
class where the ceiling is damp, and
By all those people who claimed
that she had flawed political views
and lack an intellect to think in the valid direction.

The story didn’t end there…
Her self doubt took over all her believes about herself
When she saw her residing in his sympathies.
She ran into self questioning…
Can I be successful like her
carrying on with my insignificant profession?
Can I be beautiful like her
with my asymmetrical sense organs and disfigured body?
All these questions blackened her vision and blanked her psyche.

But in the corner of her shrunken heart
a sound came to sooth her beating pulse.
“Princess, no one’s better than you”, she heard her grandmother.

 

 

❤ आवाज़हीन ❤

Silence and silence
In the air between us
Still it ain’t vacuum
There is something; but nothing.

Is nothing something?
Or is it just no thing?
The air can carry sound.
It is contagious,
What; the sound or the air?

May be both.
But they are useless
They can’t put their feature in action
Silence and silence prevail.

Words cannot be conveyed
Though the medium of propagation is present.
But thought is absent
So are the words.
Without thought you won’t have matter
Without matter the air is useless
The sounds are unheard
Because they ain’t produced.

I told you to think
Now we are empty.
Silence and silence prevail.
But silence can also be heard
It is a sound of nothing.
Nothing is something…
Nothing vocalises silence
And therefore silence speaks.
But there ain’t any thought
But still the impact is deep.
If it can have a depth deeper than thought, then let
Silence and silence prevail.

❤The Mice❤

Don’t look at me through lifeless eyes.

They are injected with millions of “untold lies”.

There was some light beneath my skin.

I lost all my “radiation” in illuminating your life.

I could have saved some for myself, no?

My skin is dark now, lightless.

My eyes are black like that of a mice, who has just came out from your sewer pipeline.

That mice is staring at you.

It has a long black tail and a dark history of his life in those smelly filthy pipes.

The mice is awake when everyone’s  sleeping.

So am I!

I told you one morning, remember?

But that morning my eyes were glowing.

May be I had some light left under my skin back then.

But now I am BLACK.

Like the rat from the sewer, I told you.

He fall while climbing a wire, with a thud on the floor.

I woke up with that sound, with my black round eyes staring at him.

And his round black eyes looking at me.

May be he found a “kindred spirit”.

May I be understood something.

May be we all are rats.

And I am not lucky enough to find my poisonous piece of cheese yet.

❤ Not Sorry For Not Being a LADY ❤

I know this ain’t fair enough.
I am darker than you!

You are red,
But I have pale wheatish complexion.

You have those white symmetric teeth,
But my teeth jump on and off each other.

You have that Roman nose of a gentleman,
But I don’t have a nose sharp and small like a lady.

Your skin radiates like the rays of sun reflected from the crystal clear surface of sea,
But I have small red mountains bumping all over on my dull face.

You have a heavy and strongly toned voice,
But I can’t speak in the stately tone of a lady.

Because I have never wanted to be one.
And I am not sorry for that!

❤ Damned Me ❤

I have seen lovers turning into strangers with a blink of eyes.
They fall for same trap again and again.
Dead end…

Why to inflict pain on poor soul?
Dead end…

I regret bringing tears in your eyes.
Dead end…

No, you lie. You love my eyes that way. My cornea shielded by the curtain of water fallen out from those micro pores.
Blurred vision…

I see a stranger!

Can’t look into those eyes.
Why?
They lie the promises.

I can’t trust what they say through those occasional glimpses and ceaseless stares.
But I am a prisoner of fate.

I have fallen for their pretentious charm. Again!
They lied!
Now what do I have?
Dead end…

No, Damned me!

The Platform

The moments were flickering in her mind.  She was sitting on the shiny iron bench waiting for nothing at the station. She was empty. But he said, “You are taking away my happiness and life.” She had replied, “How strange, I am still empty. I have memories but no giggles. I have breathes but no life.” The next tube was headed toward the city center. But that was not her concern. She didn’t come here to start a journey. She was on the verge of ending one.
There was so much bustle on the platform. People were waiting for the tube. They had impending tasks, to be completed. But she had already concluded the task of her life. A man on the platform, talking on his phone was telling someone that he is going for a marriage party. “Going”, she murmured.

“Told you it is not just you who are going you are taking a lot with you. Including smile, happiness joy feeling of being lived”, he said.
“Still I am empty. So weird”, she replied with a heavy gut.
“I am sorry”, he apologised.
“It is fine. We will think that it was not meant to be”, she answered controlling the salty water to leak out from her eyes.
“Sure”, he nodded.
“It all started at that lovely haven where we kissed for the first time to begin this journey to separation. This voyage very conveniently ended at that same place with love and happiness around us. It was a circle. It had to come back from where it began. It had to end there. That is why we went to that place. We were delaying for a long time to visit that place. But this had to end. Therefore god took us there so that we can LIVE the last happy day of this relation. The voyage had to end with a merrymaking and festivity. That is why we only talked, laughed and loved. We lived that day”, she said with tears in her eyes.

“Don’t act so strange”, the shrill voice of a lady brought her back to station. She came out of the journey to mind. “I have told you a dozen of times to stop being strange. Why cannot you act normal?” , the lady was shouting at the man with her. “St.., Stra.., Strange, Stranger!” her mind said.

“You know it hurts me but you still got to do that. That is why I get hurt and you become a stranger. And I get a step away from you”, she shouted with tears rolling down her cheeks.
“Do not make silly demand”, he scolded her.
“You will be a stranger to me whenever you will do that. You never understand my perspective. You never feel for me. You never pity me. You never think how degraded I feel. For you it is always my fault. Whenever I demand something genuine from you then you start giving excuses. I don’t ask for your life. You told me that I am your life and happiness, then what would be more important for you than me and my happiness. Can’t you do some things to make me feel complete with you? Don’t I deserve that feeling? The feeling of being understood. The feeling that you actually care and take measures to look after my mental health”, she cried.
“Never come back to talk to me again. You are a headache. Hats off to you for making my life miserable. Be there for yourself because there is no way you are going to think about me or others. You want to make me lonesome. Leave me alone”, he shouted.

She heard the horn of tube which brought her back among the people present at the station. “Had I asked for too much? Don’t I deserve to be happy?’’ , she introspected. But it was too late to ask these questions because she knew her ultimate doom. It is the fate of every women in this world to make compromises in one form or another. How could she forgot that she is a woman?
The tube was reaching the platform. The announcements were made of its impending arrival. She was moving toward the black hole from which the big caterpillar, containing human beings, was to be emerged. She could see the dim light coming from a distance. “This tube is our life. It keeps our life running on time”, she heard a man commenting to his friend. “Life? Easy?”, she was lost again in her own train of thoughts.

“You have made my life difficult. There is nothing left for me to live for”, he told her.
“Not even me”, she asked with an innocence on her face.
“No, I cannot. I am sorry. I have lived with you. I will not be able to do it again. I gave you my life for once to destroy. I wish I could have been good for you. But I am not. And now I do not want to be anymore. I do not want to be anything. I do not want to live for you anymore”, he told her with a cold look on his face.
“I would have known before that the person you live for, die for will throw these fire balls on your face one day. The one for whose love and attention you crave, will tell you one fine day that, “I do not want to live for you.” , she cried.

“So for whom I live now? When I have no one to share my happiness with. I made some investments, some futile investments”, she murmured. The train was coming toward her with speed and she was running on the edge of platform, toward the train. I do not want to live for you, he had said to her. “DO NOT LIVE”, these words echoed in her mind. He was a stranger. She was empty. She had memories of the person who did not want to live for her when she had given her physical and emotional self to him. “DO NOT LIVE”, she shouted at the top of her voice and jumped in the light of train headed toward her. The light consumed her body and death consumed her soul.

❤ He is lost ❤

20170224_185005-1-1-1He is lost behind those long drawn arguments.                                                    His eyes no more tell her that he is drunk in love, when he looks into her eyes, holding her tight.

He is lost behind those lingered good byes.                                                                She knew he did not want to leave her in empty night to stare at the gloomy moon like a zombie.

But the truth of situation has it’s roots in all those moments of disappointment, and                                             Disenchantment from his image which she idealised.

All those broken covenants and unfulfilled expectations have tainted her virgin vision.

She is disillusioned.

Feathers are turned into stones.

He has lost the soft touch of his voice under those harsh words he has thrown at her.                                                           Now only the reminiscence of his warm armoured love can heal her bruised soul.

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